Until Then ..

I’ve tried to keep silent, I’ve tried to be objective, I’ve tried to remain patient, I’ve tried to stay strong, I’ve tried tough love, I’ve tried to pray, I’ve tried to understand, I’ve tried to give up, I’ve tried to fight, I’ve tried to smile, I’ve tried to stop crying. I’ve tried handing it all to God and let him heal it all! But several months later and after lies and deceit and feeling like I’m not worth anything, I’ve been forgotten, trying to figure out where I went wrong? Trying to figure a way to fix it all, I’ve given up… Given up on all I ever knew to be true , all I loved, all I would have died for, it’s been for nothing . I kept thinking, praying, the truth will be shown, and maybe it will, but not in my life time, maybe after I’m long gone and it’s all too late. All I have to hold onto is memories , pictures , hand written notes, and half a heart. I have nothing left . I am nothing. I take up wasted space in a world of my own that’s empty. I can’t open my mouth to speak, I choke on my own words, I drown in my own tears. I’m a victim of my own fears. And she will never know, she will never know all she is worth to me. Someday maybe, when the gates to heaven open, and I stand there with my arms open wide, then and only then , will she run back into them, and I’ll hold her tight, I will never let go. Never again. No, never again !
But for now, my arms are open , but only to let go, and watch her back, her beautiful long hair, flowing in the sun as she runs away.. So I’ll dream of that day, that day, I see her beautiful face, the sun shining down, but she’s running back to me.. Back to the heart that loves her. Then and only then, will I find peace. And what I once felt, that was happiness. Only then.. When she comes back to me….

Taco.#2

A Little Dog, and The Lessons He Taught me ..

Miss you baby boy , a little more everyday, I see you in everything I do with your brother and sisters and your still with me in my heart! I take you with me, this will never change, because the impact on my life and lessons I learned from your little soul, last through eternity. Through a little dog, God showed me love, kindness and forgiveness in the most clearest way. It was engraved in my heart. You were more than a friend, companion, little dog, you were a gift from God that keeps on giving , because the lessons you taught me, continue daily in my life as a lesson I must perfect , and protect. Our last day together, in the car, you were hurting so bad and so uncomfortable! I reached down to pet your tiny head and you once again bit me and drew blood, but like every time in the past, you emmeditly started licking it away, as if to say “I’m sorry I hurt you Momma” .

It was that last day after 10 years that God spoke to me loud and clear!         He had said ” You see Luanne, this is how I want you to love my children, my people, love them with all your heart, and let forgives come in right away! “”You see, this is how I love all of you, and despite the tears and pain you bring me, the hurt, the every bite like your little taco, that cuts me deep, I just love you more and forgive you more every time!”

Everytime Taco bit me, I’d try that much harder to let him know it was ok, I loved him, and everytime I loved him a little more and I always quickly forgave him! I thought I was nuts for loving a dog that had been so scared before he found us that he couldn’t forget, and he bit me more than anyone in the home, and almost daily! Yet, everytime my heart swelled with not only sadness, because I could not take his fear away, but tremendous love bursting from my heart, because I just wanted to try harder to make him understand I still loved him and would never leave him. Forgiveness came right away and naturally! But until God pointed this out to me in this way, I never understood it!

In that moment, I realized the gift God had given me! The greatest one! The one we all need to learn, the most important commandment, but the most important in being his child, we had to love like him, forgive like him and love more everytime we are hurt by someone. Love them till our heart bursts and you think you just couldn’t love them any more, until they hurt you again, and it starts over again!.

This is why I hold my precious little Taco so close to my heart, and it was him that opened my eyes to the lessons each of our animals can bring us, if we just watch and listen. When we are animal lovers, God will use what we love most to teach us his lessons, and I see that now! Thank you Baby Boy, for showing me one of the most important and powerful lessons to learn! And thank you God for the time you gave me with him, and using him to open my eyes to this wonderful world of love and forgiveness!

Never say our animals are only just that, when you look past the outside and see what they may be teaching us, they become so much more! Every single one is a gift and more often than not, find us, not the other way around and there is a reason for that! Search for it, and never let it go, rip Taco Bell, Mama loves you!  kisses❤️💔

Maybe Tomorrow

Maybe tomorrow
I will wake up and see
beyond my window pane
the sun is shining, with a gentle breeze
that carried away the dark cloudy skies
and with them, the thundering rain.
Maybe tomorrow
I will feel no pain
that my youth has been restored,
and I put on my running shoes
and run through the streets,
and chase the butterflies down memory lane.
Maybe tomorrow
my heart will be full.
No longer empty, and feeling lost and alone.
And those that have left me
I’ll find back at my door.
Where I’ll wrap my arms around them and it will fill my empty soul.
Maybe tomorrow
the tears will no longer fall.
My heart, once broken, repaired and whole.
Forgiveness will find me, the loving kind.
Where once again I will shine and I’ll be able to stand tall.
But maybe tomorrow
I’ll wake to find
it was all just a dream,
that the dark clouds still hover and the birds still won’t sing.
That the pain is still very real,
and the only running I can do is running away.
That my heart is still empty and broken.
And no forgiveness is found.
That the mirror in front of me shows the truth of of how I stand,
and it’s not very tall, but I’m half way buried in sand.
Full of regrets and left to wither where my soul has died.
And the ones that have left me
have left me for good,
That my only conviction is realizing I never did what I should.
There will be no one to wrap my arms around,
my broken heart’s brittle beat is the only sound.
So maybe tomorrow will never come,
so I can find some peace at last, and love all around.
That I’ll wake in the arms of my Heavenly Father above,
and while I cry tears of regret, he wipes them away with love.
He will take my hand, and I’ll realize there is no pain,
that my heart isn’t broken, but beating  strong instead.
And I’ll finally be able to run far and fast,
past the heartache and pain of my miserable past.
That I’ll never be alone here, and forgiveness abounds,
and opens arms always greet me,
while the sun shines and my fathers voice is a beautiful sound!
Maybe tomorrow….. Instead..

 

Written by peanut feet. And edited by WetFevorDreams

Inside my head

Inside my head, is where I can see your smiling face. I can hear your laughter, your funny jokes, and I can watch you when you sleep..
Inside my head, I know your only a space away, I can call out for you, and there you are, talking like it was yesterday.
Inside my head, I can hold you when you cry, and tell you I’m sorry for all the times it was me that brought on your tears.

I wipe them away , inside my head, and can sweep them all aside, I can take your hand and take a walk, in the sun just outside. We go for rides inside my head, to places that we’ve been, the beach , the forest, and grandmas house, and sometimes just anywhere we land. We play the music up so loud and sing a little off key, then laugh and sometimes even cry, when the song, that’s played brings back memory’s !
But sometimes inside my head, I have to watch you as you go, and i ask with tears running down my face, please stay and you wave goodbye, so slow, you turn around and I watch you leave and I wonder to myself, will this be the last time I see, you inside my head? Or will tomorrow bring you back , where I can re live it all over again? It’s so very Lonley inside my head , when your gone and I’m here alone instead. At least I know your safe in there, even when you wave goodbye, because inside my head these memory’s can never die. So I’ll lock them in my heart instead and bring them out when I feel low. And when I do , I’ll look once more at you, and tell you,

” I love you , please don’t go !”

Taco

TACO

We walked down the row of cages, the sad faces, wet noses stuck between the bars, trying to get someone, anyone, to stop and just notice the puppy behind it.
But from the start you stayed in a corner , backed away from the countless feet that passed your cage each day, I’m sure you didn’t want the heartbreak, you were so very afraid.
But Paige saw you, and Somthing clicked, you came to the bars to see what it was, that made her seem safe.

We knew you were ours and you knew we belonged to you! So home you came with us , to start a life brand new, it’s was rough at first , you still couldn’t trust, I know you weren’t sure if we would throw you out too. But we made it through!.

But mama was the one that had to take care of you, be keeper, your vet, you friend, and better yet, you never left my side, not one night did you stray, you’ve always been close to me, keeping a watchful eye,
Many nights you heard me laugh, many nights heard me cry, and your prescience next to me brought a comfort I never knew! Like having your guardian angel there, right next to you!

We’ve camped under stars, and walked trails around big trees, ran through tall grass in meadows, while feeling the cool breeze !
You loved to go see the horses, and chase one or two! Your soul and your heart was so much bigger than you! But It was my turn to keep my eye on you!

We’ve spent many hours driving in the car, heading up to grandmas house in Oregon, and back again each year! And you loved every bit of it, except the damn flies in your ears! 😉

You never quite took to water, but a bath was ok, till later in your life when you weren’t feeling the same! I started noticing changes, though small that they were, you weren’t the happy puppy that you once were.

Car rides got harder and you didn’t bounce back, but you still loved our daily park walks, and we will cross the street next time! 🙂

Your now only 9, and they tell me the end is near! I’ve prayed and I’ve cried and I’ve believed Jesus would hear! But here we are and it’s late at night and your in a hosp fight for your life, a few more days, we don’t know how long that we can be together, I wish I could spend them doing all the things you love, but time just isn’t on our side! I’m not ready to let you go yet, and when you do you will take the biggest part of me! I’ve had so many animals, but never anyone like you
There will never be a replacing you, it’s Somthing I just couldn’t do! I’m grateful for the time we’ve had, as short as it has had to be, I wish god had healed you, but it wasn’t meant to be?
I only can hope that you and I will be together again soon, but never to die and youthful again! We will run thru the tall grass and big trees and windy breeze, and we will have all of eternity this time, no tears no fear, no cages, just free!

I love you my sweet Taco Bell, with all of my heart, may you always know just how much! ❤

(written originally March of 2015)

there will be a part two,

(A little dog, and how Jesus used him ,to teach me the power of forgiveness and his love)

The moment I knew you would be okay. ( To Paige)

The moment I knew you would be okay
My Dearest Paige,

It was early morning on jan 28 1997′ laying in bed, I felt the first pains come and new it was time, that you would be here soon! We rushed to the hosp, had music playing, but u were in a hurry to get here, and so only a few hrs later you were born with ” send me an angel” playing in the background! From the beginning, we could tell you were going to be smart and outgoing! You never wet your diaper, you went like clock work when the sun came up at 6:30 am every day! Within a year you were potty trained!

You loved to explore, any chance you got, you hit the ground running, like you were searching for more than just your surroundings, but rushing to grow up and be a big girl! Every teacher loved you, you had many friends, and if you were ever sad or not feeling well, it was hard to tell!

I prayed many nights for god to watch over you, and when you hit your teens, I prayed a little harder that he’d keep a close eye on you! And I always felt a certain peace in my heart because I belived you had several angels watching you always, and I’m grateful for that! You fell in love and you’ve had your heart broken, and I always wished I could take the pain away, but I knew you had to experience these things, because they make us strong, and give us strength to carry on!

And here we are, your almost 18, and I wish I could say I did a good job, but really I only did the best I could, and Jesus carried you when I wasn’t strong enough too! But the moment I knew you’d be okay, was when you grabbed my hand and prayed for me , your momma, with a prayer from your heart, that was genuine and filled me with so much love and hope. I realized then, that somewhere along the way, I did Somthing right and showed you that Jesus loves you and listens. And you will hopefully carry that with you through out your life, and when I’m gone , you’ll know, we will always be together again, and I’m only a prayer away ! Don’t ever lose your laughter and joy, your wonder of exploring this great big world, and all it has to offer! And someday when your a Mother, I know you will be a wonderful one! I love you sweet pea! You will always be my baby girl! Luv momma ❤

Jesus, dog, candles, and Hawkeye..

Jesus, Dogs, Candles, and Hawkeye..

What can those things possibly have in common? To me they represent, love, comfort, laughter, and salvation …. Things in my life that remind me of my youth, happy times, forgiveness and feeling needed by someone..
My nightly routine consists of these four things.. They ground me, give me a feeling of safety and nostalgia. When the tears want to constantly fall, anyone of these things can help them come to a stop and lift me up, above the pain of the reality awaiting me every morning when I awake .
Jesus. My foundation, my strength, my healing, my savior, my redeemer …
When I spend time in his word or pray, I’m reminded I’m loved, I’m not a failure, and I have a purpose, and that someone has my back, even when the rest of the world , it feels, has turned its back on me..
My dogs, my baby’s, give me purpose and reason to be. They need me, and everyone needs to feel needed sometimes. They also comfort me, with kisses and cuddles and remind me I’m not alone..
My candles and their single flicker of light, bring comfort in the form of hope. Hope that not everything is darkness in this world, and that I too can keep my light shining to help light the way for others. When they have lost all hope as well. What is life? Without hope!
And Hawkeye… M*A*S*H was always on when I was young, a favorite show of my fathers , I’d spend every night, on my tummy, knees in the air, chin in hand, and my eyes focused on the family room TV set, absorbing every word and scene until it was imbedded in my subconscious . Even as a child, I could understand the dry humor ( which I tried to instill in my own personality growing up) and also the very real pain and sadness that came along with War.. I wanted to be in the service, I wanted to be a nurse or fly a plane, neither of which ever came to pass, but that world felt so real to me, and my own father had been in that war, so along with his stories, it’s easy to romanticize war.. Though it’s nothing but .. But it still remains a comfort for me as a reminder of those years and the safety I felt being a child under my parents wings and able to experience that world from the safety of my living room floor. And it will always help me laugh when that’s really what I need . There’s just not enough laughter in this world anymore, simply because , out there, is just so sad now.
So these four things will always be a constant in my life until my life is over, and though they may bring tears as well, in the end it’s all worth it.  At least, I think so…..

A flicker of light, in a dark space.

A flicker of light in a dark space..
Have you ever stood in a pitch black room, and noticed how the darkness seems to envelope you? Makes it hard to breathe? You lose all sense of direction and have no idea how small or large the space is around you? Or if your inside or outside? On the edge of a precipice about to fall?
You reach out in the darkness and hope to feel a hand , or table or anything to steady yourself because you swear the space around you is actually moving yet you could swear your standing still? But then your heart races; are you alone? What if you felt a hand? When you thought you were alone ? It could make you jump right out of your skin? You hear nothing and at the same time can hear everything, your breathing, your heartbeat, a pin drop, and you wonder, while your paralyzed with fear, that is there really anything there to fear? You may not be able to see past your nose, but does it mean your all alone, or is someone else there? Then you light a match, a single match, and it somehow seems to light up everything around you.. It swallows up the dark and the fear goes with it! Why? Why does this single match so small and so little light, have the power to completely change your perspective and strangle the fear that was there only a minute ago?
Light, a single flicker of light can do just that! It can swallow the dark and the fear with it, removing all the symptoms your body and mind created in the darkness with it. Because that small flicker of light gives you control, control over everything your were fearing only moments ago in the dark, and it gives you hope. It gives you peace, it brings strength and power, to be able to overcome, anything now! You can back away from the precipice you thought you were standing on, you can see the size of the room and that the hand you may have felt was your own. You can now see a way out of the room you may be in, and all of a sudden you realize the darkness lost all its power over you, when you lit that simple match! What if we could be that flicker of light, that single lit match in this dark world full of fear. What if not only we were a flicker of light for ourselves but also for many others , caught in that same dark place? What if we could be the hand they grab hold of and pull them into the light? My only wish is to be , that flicker of light,in a dark space. For myself , and for many others too!

A touch of pain, and a taste of death..

Open wounds..

There are so many types of pain, so many types of wounds. The mere words, “Pain, Wound”, can summon up images in our minds of so many senerios. From a simple cut, to a vision of war, and even crucifiction and a cross..  But the words never seemed to be synonymous when used in a sentence to define being a Parent.  The mere word “Parent”, speaks of Joy, Love, compassion, selflessness and even urphoria..

No one ever tells you or prepares you for the dark times of parenthood. The lonely times, the times you feel you have fallen short of the very definition of what your mind believed to be “A Parent” meant and until you’ve become a parent yourself,  how could you know ? No one would ever dare to tell a new born “Parent”, of the horrors that could await you, that they say later on are “Normal”!

Wait! What does “Normal”mean? And why didn’t anyone have the heart to warn us? It could never be that bad right? How could you Love Somthing, “someone” , so much, that you would lay down your life for them , and even think that for one moment, “Pain, or Wounds”, would ever be accociated with them? It’s a hard pill to swallow, and it’s a “Pain, Wound”, that leaves a scar so large that it could fit right in with “Crusifiction”. I wouldn’t wish it in my worst enemy! There is only one thing , one thing that can heal this kind of “Pain or Wound”, and that is Love.. And so, that is why I believe God puts that love In our hearts the moment we become a parent, he knew we were gonna need it! That the love would have to be so strong, that it would overcome and be able to heal.. I only pray, that I can heal….

The Beginning……

Its a hot evening in southern Calif. Sleep once again evades me, so I decided to start a blog. My mind, an endless parade of thoughts, I feel it’s time to write them down in hopes that maybe I can make sense of this cascade of words that seem to have an endless flow. I seem to ponder quite a bit, where I am going, where I have been, and what does it all mean? The only way to travel back in time is in my thoughts, where I make things right, that I feel was wrong, or just to visit a simple time in my life, where life was made of innocence and laughter..

When responsibility was just a word, and the safety net our parents provided allowed us to venture as far as our minds would allow. Where dreams ran rampant, and everything and anything seemed possible. It was an escape that came and went too fast, where dreams got left behind and replaced by monotonous daily duties that I never would have taken on if only “Neverland” truly existed.