Until Then ..

I’ve tried to keep silent, I’ve tried to be objective, I’ve tried to remain patient, I’ve tried to stay strong, I’ve tried tough love, I’ve tried to pray, I’ve tried to understand, I’ve tried to give up, I’ve tried to fight, I’ve tried to smile, I’ve tried to stop crying. I’ve tried handing it all to God and let him heal it all! But several months later and after lies and deceit and feeling like I’m not worth anything, I’ve been forgotten, trying to figure out where I went wrong? Trying to figure a way to fix it all, I’ve given up… Given up on all I ever knew to be true , all I loved, all I would have died for, it’s been for nothing . I kept thinking, praying, the truth will be shown, and maybe it will, but not in my life time, maybe after I’m long gone and it’s all too late. All I have to hold onto is memories , pictures , hand written notes, and half a heart. I have nothing left . I am nothing. I take up wasted space in a world of my own that’s empty. I can’t open my mouth to speak, I choke on my own words, I drown in my own tears. I’m a victim of my own fears. And she will never know, she will never know all she is worth to me. Someday maybe, when the gates to heaven open, and I stand there with my arms open wide, then and only then , will she run back into them, and I’ll hold her tight, I will never let go. Never again. No, never again !
But for now, my arms are open , but only to let go, and watch her back, her beautiful long hair, flowing in the sun as she runs away.. So I’ll dream of that day, that day, I see her beautiful face, the sun shining down, but she’s running back to me.. Back to the heart that loves her. Then and only then, will I find peace. And what I once felt, that was happiness. Only then.. When she comes back to me….

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Taco.#2

A Little Dog, and The Lessons He Taught me ..

Miss you baby boy , a little more everyday, I see you in everything I do with your brother and sisters and your still with me in my heart! I take you with me, this will never change, because the impact on my life and lessons I learned from your little soul, last through eternity. Through a little dog, God showed me love, kindness and forgiveness in the most clearest way. It was engraved in my heart. You were more than a friend, companion, little dog, you were a gift from God that keeps on giving , because the lessons you taught me, continue daily in my life as a lesson I must perfect , and protect. Our last day together, in the car, you were hurting so bad and so uncomfortable! I reached down to pet your tiny head and you once again bit me and drew blood, but like every time in the past, you emmeditly started licking it away, as if to say “I’m sorry I hurt you Momma” .

It was that last day after 10 years that God spoke to me loud and clear!         He had said ” You see Luanne, this is how I want you to love my children, my people, love them with all your heart, and let forgives come in right away! “”You see, this is how I love all of you, and despite the tears and pain you bring me, the hurt, the every bite like your little taco, that cuts me deep, I just love you more and forgive you more every time!”

Everytime Taco bit me, I’d try that much harder to let him know it was ok, I loved him, and everytime I loved him a little more and I always quickly forgave him! I thought I was nuts for loving a dog that had been so scared before he found us that he couldn’t forget, and he bit me more than anyone in the home, and almost daily! Yet, everytime my heart swelled with not only sadness, because I could not take his fear away, but tremendous love bursting from my heart, because I just wanted to try harder to make him understand I still loved him and would never leave him. Forgiveness came right away and naturally! But until God pointed this out to me in this way, I never understood it!

In that moment, I realized the gift God had given me! The greatest one! The one we all need to learn, the most important commandment, but the most important in being his child, we had to love like him, forgive like him and love more everytime we are hurt by someone. Love them till our heart bursts and you think you just couldn’t love them any more, until they hurt you again, and it starts over again!.

This is why I hold my precious little Taco so close to my heart, and it was him that opened my eyes to the lessons each of our animals can bring us, if we just watch and listen. When we are animal lovers, God will use what we love most to teach us his lessons, and I see that now! Thank you Baby Boy, for showing me one of the most important and powerful lessons to learn! And thank you God for the time you gave me with him, and using him to open my eyes to this wonderful world of love and forgiveness!

Never say our animals are only just that, when you look past the outside and see what they may be teaching us, they become so much more! Every single one is a gift and more often than not, find us, not the other way around and there is a reason for that! Search for it, and never let it go, rip Taco Bell, Mama loves you!  kisses❤️💔

Maybe Tomorrow

Maybe tomorrow
I will wake up and see
beyond my window pane
the sun is shining, with a gentle breeze
that carried away the dark cloudy skies
and with them, the thundering rain.
Maybe tomorrow
I will feel no pain
that my youth has been restored,
and I put on my running shoes
and run through the streets,
and chase the butterflies down memory lane.
Maybe tomorrow
my heart will be full.
No longer empty, and feeling lost and alone.
And those that have left me
I’ll find back at my door.
Where I’ll wrap my arms around them and it will fill my empty soul.
Maybe tomorrow
the tears will no longer fall.
My heart, once broken, repaired and whole.
Forgiveness will find me, the loving kind.
Where once again I will shine and I’ll be able to stand tall.
But maybe tomorrow
I’ll wake to find
it was all just a dream,
that the dark clouds still hover and the birds still won’t sing.
That the pain is still very real,
and the only running I can do is running away.
That my heart is still empty and broken.
And no forgiveness is found.
That the mirror in front of me shows the truth of of how I stand,
and it’s not very tall, but I’m half way buried in sand.
Full of regrets and left to wither where my soul has died.
And the ones that have left me
have left me for good,
That my only conviction is realizing I never did what I should.
There will be no one to wrap my arms around,
my broken heart’s brittle beat is the only sound.
So maybe tomorrow will never come,
so I can find some peace at last, and love all around.
That I’ll wake in the arms of my Heavenly Father above,
and while I cry tears of regret, he wipes them away with love.
He will take my hand, and I’ll realize there is no pain,
that my heart isn’t broken, but beating  strong instead.
And I’ll finally be able to run far and fast,
past the heartache and pain of my miserable past.
That I’ll never be alone here, and forgiveness abounds,
and opens arms always greet me,
while the sun shines and my fathers voice is a beautiful sound!
Maybe tomorrow….. Instead..

 

Written by peanut feet. And edited by WetFevorDreams