Inside my head

Inside my head, is where I can see your smiling face. I can hear your laughter, your funny jokes, and I can watch you when you sleep..
Inside my head, I know your only a space away, I can call out for you, and there you are, talking like it was yesterday.
Inside my head, I can hold you when you cry, and tell you I’m sorry for all the times it was me that brought on your tears.

I wipe them away , inside my head, and can sweep them all aside, I can take your hand and take a walk, in the sun just outside. We go for rides inside my head, to places that we’ve been, the beach , the forest, and grandmas house, and sometimes just anywhere we land. We play the music up so loud and sing a little off key, then laugh and sometimes even cry, when the song, that’s played brings back memory’s !
But sometimes inside my head, I have to watch you as you go, and i ask with tears running down my face, please stay and you wave goodbye, so slow, you turn around and I watch you leave and I wonder to myself, will this be the last time I see, you inside my head? Or will tomorrow bring you back , where I can re live it all over again? It’s so very Lonley inside my head , when your gone and I’m here alone instead. At least I know your safe in there, even when you wave goodbye, because inside my head these memory’s can never die. So I’ll lock them in my heart instead and bring them out when I feel low. And when I do , I’ll look once more at you, and tell you,

” I love you , please don’t go !”




We walked down the row of cages, the sad faces, wet noses stuck between the bars, trying to get someone, anyone, to stop and just notice the puppy behind it.
But from the start you stayed in a corner , backed away from the countless feet that passed your cage each day, I’m sure you didn’t want the heartbreak, you were so very afraid.
But Paige saw you, and Somthing clicked, you came to the bars to see what it was, that made her seem safe.

We knew you were ours and you knew we belonged to you! So home you came with us , to start a life brand new, it’s was rough at first , you still couldn’t trust, I know you weren’t sure if we would throw you out too. But we made it through!.

But mama was the one that had to take care of you, be keeper, your vet, you friend, and better yet, you never left my side, not one night did you stray, you’ve always been close to me, keeping a watchful eye,
Many nights you heard me laugh, many nights heard me cry, and your prescience next to me brought a comfort I never knew! Like having your guardian angel there, right next to you!

We’ve camped under stars, and walked trails around big trees, ran through tall grass in meadows, while feeling the cool breeze !
You loved to go see the horses, and chase one or two! Your soul and your heart was so much bigger than you! But It was my turn to keep my eye on you!

We’ve spent many hours driving in the car, heading up to grandmas house in Oregon, and back again each year! And you loved every bit of it, except the damn flies in your ears! 😉

You never quite took to water, but a bath was ok, till later in your life when you weren’t feeling the same! I started noticing changes, though small that they were, you weren’t the happy puppy that you once were.

Car rides got harder and you didn’t bounce back, but you still loved our daily park walks, and we will cross the street next time! 🙂

Your now only 9, and they tell me the end is near! I’ve prayed and I’ve cried and I’ve believed Jesus would hear! But here we are and it’s late at night and your in a hosp fight for your life, a few more days, we don’t know how long that we can be together, I wish I could spend them doing all the things you love, but time just isn’t on our side! I’m not ready to let you go yet, and when you do you will take the biggest part of me! I’ve had so many animals, but never anyone like you
There will never be a replacing you, it’s Somthing I just couldn’t do! I’m grateful for the time we’ve had, as short as it has had to be, I wish god had healed you, but it wasn’t meant to be?
I only can hope that you and I will be together again soon, but never to die and youthful again! We will run thru the tall grass and big trees and windy breeze, and we will have all of eternity this time, no tears no fear, no cages, just free!

I love you my sweet Taco Bell, with all of my heart, may you always know just how much! ❤

(written originally March of 2015)

there will be a part two,

(A little dog, and how Jesus used him ,to teach me the power of forgiveness and his love)

The moment I knew you would be okay. ( To Paige)

The moment I knew you would be okay
My Dearest Paige,

It was early morning on jan 28 1997′ laying in bed, I felt the first pains come and new it was time, that you would be here soon! We rushed to the hosp, had music playing, but u were in a hurry to get here, and so only a few hrs later you were born with ” send me an angel” playing in the background! From the beginning, we could tell you were going to be smart and outgoing! You never wet your diaper, you went like clock work when the sun came up at 6:30 am every day! Within a year you were potty trained!

You loved to explore, any chance you got, you hit the ground running, like you were searching for more than just your surroundings, but rushing to grow up and be a big girl! Every teacher loved you, you had many friends, and if you were ever sad or not feeling well, it was hard to tell!

I prayed many nights for god to watch over you, and when you hit your teens, I prayed a little harder that he’d keep a close eye on you! And I always felt a certain peace in my heart because I belived you had several angels watching you always, and I’m grateful for that! You fell in love and you’ve had your heart broken, and I always wished I could take the pain away, but I knew you had to experience these things, because they make us strong, and give us strength to carry on!

And here we are, your almost 18, and I wish I could say I did a good job, but really I only did the best I could, and Jesus carried you when I wasn’t strong enough too! But the moment I knew you’d be okay, was when you grabbed my hand and prayed for me , your momma, with a prayer from your heart, that was genuine and filled me with so much love and hope. I realized then, that somewhere along the way, I did Somthing right and showed you that Jesus loves you and listens. And you will hopefully carry that with you through out your life, and when I’m gone , you’ll know, we will always be together again, and I’m only a prayer away ! Don’t ever lose your laughter and joy, your wonder of exploring this great big world, and all it has to offer! And someday when your a Mother, I know you will be a wonderful one! I love you sweet pea! You will always be my baby girl! Luv momma ❤

Jesus, dog, candles, and Hawkeye..

Jesus, Dogs, Candles, and Hawkeye..

What can those things possibly have in common? To me they represent, love, comfort, laughter, and salvation …. Things in my life that remind me of my youth, happy times, forgiveness and feeling needed by someone..
My nightly routine consists of these four things.. They ground me, give me a feeling of safety and nostalgia. When the tears want to constantly fall, anyone of these things can help them come to a stop and lift me up, above the pain of the reality awaiting me every morning when I awake .
Jesus. My foundation, my strength, my healing, my savior, my redeemer …
When I spend time in his word or pray, I’m reminded I’m loved, I’m not a failure, and I have a purpose, and that someone has my back, even when the rest of the world , it feels, has turned its back on me..
My dogs, my baby’s, give me purpose and reason to be. They need me, and everyone needs to feel needed sometimes. They also comfort me, with kisses and cuddles and remind me I’m not alone..
My candles and their single flicker of light, bring comfort in the form of hope. Hope that not everything is darkness in this world, and that I too can keep my light shining to help light the way for others. When they have lost all hope as well. What is life? Without hope!
And Hawkeye… M*A*S*H was always on when I was young, a favorite show of my fathers , I’d spend every night, on my tummy, knees in the air, chin in hand, and my eyes focused on the family room TV set, absorbing every word and scene until it was imbedded in my subconscious . Even as a child, I could understand the dry humor ( which I tried to instill in my own personality growing up) and also the very real pain and sadness that came along with War.. I wanted to be in the service, I wanted to be a nurse or fly a plane, neither of which ever came to pass, but that world felt so real to me, and my own father had been in that war, so along with his stories, it’s easy to romanticize war.. Though it’s nothing but .. But it still remains a comfort for me as a reminder of those years and the safety I felt being a child under my parents wings and able to experience that world from the safety of my living room floor. And it will always help me laugh when that’s really what I need . There’s just not enough laughter in this world anymore, simply because , out there, is just so sad now.
So these four things will always be a constant in my life until my life is over, and though they may bring tears as well, in the end it’s all worth it.  At least, I think so…..

A flicker of light, in a dark space.

A flicker of light in a dark space..
Have you ever stood in a pitch black room, and noticed how the darkness seems to envelope you? Makes it hard to breathe? You lose all sense of direction and have no idea how small or large the space is around you? Or if your inside or outside? On the edge of a precipice about to fall?
You reach out in the darkness and hope to feel a hand , or table or anything to steady yourself because you swear the space around you is actually moving yet you could swear your standing still? But then your heart races; are you alone? What if you felt a hand? When you thought you were alone ? It could make you jump right out of your skin? You hear nothing and at the same time can hear everything, your breathing, your heartbeat, a pin drop, and you wonder, while your paralyzed with fear, that is there really anything there to fear? You may not be able to see past your nose, but does it mean your all alone, or is someone else there? Then you light a match, a single match, and it somehow seems to light up everything around you.. It swallows up the dark and the fear goes with it! Why? Why does this single match so small and so little light, have the power to completely change your perspective and strangle the fear that was there only a minute ago?
Light, a single flicker of light can do just that! It can swallow the dark and the fear with it, removing all the symptoms your body and mind created in the darkness with it. Because that small flicker of light gives you control, control over everything your were fearing only moments ago in the dark, and it gives you hope. It gives you peace, it brings strength and power, to be able to overcome, anything now! You can back away from the precipice you thought you were standing on, you can see the size of the room and that the hand you may have felt was your own. You can now see a way out of the room you may be in, and all of a sudden you realize the darkness lost all its power over you, when you lit that simple match! What if we could be that flicker of light, that single lit match in this dark world full of fear. What if not only we were a flicker of light for ourselves but also for many others , caught in that same dark place? What if we could be the hand they grab hold of and pull them into the light? My only wish is to be , that flicker of light,in a dark space. For myself , and for many others too!

A touch of pain, and a taste of death..

Open wounds..

There are so many types of pain, so many types of wounds. The mere words, “Pain, Wound”, can summon up images in our minds of so many senerios. From a simple cut, to a vision of war, and even crucifiction and a cross..  But the words never seemed to be synonymous when used in a sentence to define being a Parent.  The mere word “Parent”, speaks of Joy, Love, compassion, selflessness and even urphoria..

No one ever tells you or prepares you for the dark times of parenthood. The lonely times, the times you feel you have fallen short of the very definition of what your mind believed to be “A Parent” meant and until you’ve become a parent yourself,  how could you know ? No one would ever dare to tell a new born “Parent”, of the horrors that could await you, that they say later on are “Normal”!

Wait! What does “Normal”mean? And why didn’t anyone have the heart to warn us? It could never be that bad right? How could you Love Somthing, “someone” , so much, that you would lay down your life for them , and even think that for one moment, “Pain, or Wounds”, would ever be accociated with them? It’s a hard pill to swallow, and it’s a “Pain, Wound”, that leaves a scar so large that it could fit right in with “Crusifiction”. I wouldn’t wish it in my worst enemy! There is only one thing , one thing that can heal this kind of “Pain or Wound”, and that is Love.. And so, that is why I believe God puts that love In our hearts the moment we become a parent, he knew we were gonna need it! That the love would have to be so strong, that it would overcome and be able to heal.. I only pray, that I can heal….